THIS USED TO BE LIFE
by Amandah Leigh
Summary: Post-war, Severus is left incapacitated and hospitalized, unable to move or speak. Hermione, the witch who saved him, is his only visitor. Inspired by Metallica's song "One" (but not a songfic). One-shot.


**A/N:**

Post-war, Severus is incapacitated and hospitalized. Hermione is his only visitor.

Inspired by the Metallica song "One," which is about a severely wounded WWI soldier.

 **-AL**

* * *

 **THIS USED TO BE LIFE**

 **A Severus & Hermione One-Shot**

He hadn't expected to live through the war.

He knew he was gone when the snake sank her fangs into his neck.

But he tried to staunch the wound.

He held a handkerchief to it.

He had a few moments of fight in him.

And then

And then

And then

He didn't.

He knew it was over. He accepted the end.

He gave up his memories, the best, the worst.

Then he looked into Harry's eyes -

No -

Lily's eyes.

He looked into Lily's eyes

And felt the life drain out of him.

-0-0-0-

He opened his eyes to bright light

Bright light shining into his face from the tip of a wand

Bright light that obscured the facial features of his savior, but

Gave her an ethereal glow

And formed a halo over her brown, bushy hair.

He thought he was dreaming

He thought he might already be dead

Maybe she was an angel.

Were there such things as angels?

-0-0-0-

He felt no pain. For the first time in twenty years

Twenty years

He felt no pain

This must be the other side of the veil.

What lies beyond.

He let himself drift back into blackness

He wondered, if angels are real

Could there be heaven

And hell?

Where would he go?

Heaven was for heroes, people with good hearts

Hell was for those who'd sinned

And killing was a sin.

"You alone know whether it will harm your soul..."

Those were the words of Dumbledore, who sought

To protect Draco Malfoy

At all costs.

"Will you make the Unbreakable Vow?"

He would. He did.

He saved the boy, he served the man -

But at what cost?

-0-0-0-

The next time he opened his eyes, it was again to find he was not

Alone.

Bushy brown hair

But no halo.

Facial features, vaguely familiar

Blurred.

"You've suffered some vision loss," said the voice of a

Woman

He didn't know.

She was not the angel.

 _You cannot speak,_ said the angel. B _ut I believe you can_

 _Hear. You cannot_

 _Walk,_

Said the angel. _Nor can you move_

 _Independently, but I believe you can_

 _Feel._

The angel stood beside him, to the right.

She took his hand. Hers were freezing.

"Speak again, bright angel!" he wanted to scream.

He knew that voice

From somewhere.

Who was she?

-0-0-0-

She came often. Sometimes he

Pretended

To be asleep.

But she stayed anyway

Waiting. And reading.

She read to him during every visit.

The Daily Prophet, Potions Quarterly

The Sunday Times

Even the bloody Quibbler.

He liked it best when she brought books -

Muggle mysteries and classic literature.

It felt easier to escape

Mentally

Into the worlds of Muggles he could only imagine

Than to put himself back into

The world he once knew.

-0-0-0-

Sometimes, she'd take his hand.

Hers, it seemed, were always freezing -

Or maybe his skin was on

Fire.

 _I did the best I could, sir,_ she

Whispered

One day

While a nurse roughly adjusted his pillow

And fed him through a tube.

 _You didn't deserve_

 _To end up_

 _This way._

-0-0-0-

They thought he was

Blind

They said he was

Blind

They were certain he was

Blind, but

He could see vague colors and shapes

Her bushy brown hair

Shimmering light, little black dots

That danced before his vision

And made him dizzy.

He wanted to tell them he could

See

He wanted to better see

Her.

He knew her voice

He'd heard it before

He could picture her as she was,

Hand in the air,

Eager to answer his questions.

Why did she visit so often?

Couldn't she see it was a

Waste

Of her time? He was

Lost

To the world.

 _Professor, I did everything_

 _Everything I knew how to do_

 _But I was_

 _Young_

 _And_

 _Inexperienced_

 _Not a_

 _Healer, not even_

 _A fully educated witch._

 _I'm so sorry, sir._

 _I'm so sorry._

-0-0-0-

He tried to make noise

In his throat

To gurgle or groan

Or growl

Or grunt.

Anything.

Anything to tell them

He could hear

He was here.

-0-0-0-

 _Sir, I know it's silly, but could I ask you_

 _For advice?_

He imagined himself cocking an eyebrow.

Advice? From me?

He would ask.

Surely not, Granger. I am not your

Friend

Lover

Confidant.

But for some reason, he saw himself

Nodding

And hoping he could help.

 _Sir, the war's only been over a year_

 _One year, as of tomorrow,_

 _And I don't know... I don't know_

 _Yet_

 _Who I am._

 _I do not think I'm_

 _Recovered._

 _I cannot move on with my_

 _Life._

 _Ron's asked me to marry him._

 _Marry him!_

 _But I don't know_

 _I don't know_

 _I don't even know who he is anymore._

 _I don't know myself._

 _Part of me wants to_

 _To_

 _To_

 _To_

(She was crying now)

 _To run away and never return._

 _I feel alone_

 _I've never felt so_

 _Alone._

 _How did you life your life_

 _In solitude?_

 _What should I do?_

Don't leave, he wanted to say

Don't run. Please return.

Your voice is all that's keeping me

Alive.

-0-0-0-

Time passed and she wasn't there.

He could not know

How many

Days

Weeks

Months

Years had gone by, maybe, as he had no way to track the

Time.

-0-0-0-

He wished he'd died.

Every

Damn

Day

He wished he was dead.

She'd tried to save him...

She HAD saved him...

But for what?

And then

And then

And then

There she was.

 _Sir, I'm sorry. It's been so long since I last_

 _Saw_

 _You._

 _I was so_

 _Very_

 _Sad, you see._

 _The Healers here,_

 _At St. Mungo's,_

 _They did all they could to help my parents._

Were her parents ill? Weren't her parents

Muggles?

 _I erased all memories of_

 _Myself_

 _From them_

 _And gave them new identities_

 _Before going on the run with Harry_

 _And Ron._

Ah. That explained it.

But damn.

Such

Powerful

Magic.

She truly was the brightest witch

Of her age. Even if she could be

An Insufferable

Know-it-all.

 _The Healers said_

 _They said_

 _They said_

 _They said_

(She was crying again)

 _They said nothing can be done._

 _I permanently_

 _Damaged_

 _Them. They'll_

 _Never know who I am._

Oh, he thought. That's

Awful.

While he wanted to forget

His own parents

Often,

He couldn't imagine being forgotten.

 _I had a bit of a breakdown,_

 _Sir._

 _I had to be... I went to..._

 _I spent six months in a Muggle institution._

 _A mental health clinic._

 _A hospital like this one, only_

 _Different._

She took his hand between hers. Hers were

Freezing

Just as he remembered.

 _But I'm sorry for_

 _Leaving_

 _You._

-0-0-0-

He knew very well it was

Guilt

That kept her coming back, as he wasn't the best

Company. Not now, and not

Before.

He'd never been.

But if

Guilt

Was enough to keep her coming back, he'd take it.

Guilt, after all, was an important motivator

Guilt

Drew him away from the Death Eaters

Guilt

Is the reason he protected Harry Potter

Guilt

Drove him in every thing for the greater part of

Two decades, almost.

 _I brought a new book, sir. I read it during my_

 _Stay_

 _In that hospital._

 _It's called_

 _The Bell Jar_

 _By a woman named_

 _Sylvia Plath. She also wrote_

 _Poetry, but_

 _This is a novel._

-0-0-0-

And she read and she read and she read

And he tried to speak or sit up or blink or twitch

To tell her, Yes, I'm here, I hear you.

And then, one day, she said,

 _It's been_

 _Almost_

 _Two years_

 _Since the end of the war, sir._

 _In eight weeks, it shall be_

 _Two years._

A year and ten months he'd been

Confined

To this bed, this hospital, this

Prison.

He felt he was getting better.

He could wiggle his toes

See defined shapes in addition to colors

And almost

Almost

Almost

Make a noise from the back of his throat,

But it seemed

No one

Noticed.

 _I'm going to marry_

 _Ron._

 _Ron Weasley._

 _I..._

 _I don't know that it's what I want to do,_

 _But I feel it's what I ought to do._

 _I think I'm too_

 _Young_

 _To be married, but he_

 _Says we're meant to be, so why_

 _Wait?_

Meant to be? He envisioned himself sneering at this.

No such thing as 'meant to be.'

Besides, if she married

If she married

Weasley,

She might stop coming.

And he'd never hear the end of

The Bell Jar.

Some four or so months they'd been reading

The Bell Jar.

She read aloud one chapter per week,

Or she told him it was

One per week, anyway.

They had to be nearing

The end.

-0-0-0-

She does not sound

Embarassed

When she reads to him about the Protagonist's

"First time."

Though,

 _I've never had sex,_

His bushy-haired angel confesses.

 _I'm afraid I won't be_

 _Good at it._

 _I am afraid I can't_

 _Learn_

 _From books, and_

 _Failure is my biggest_

 _Fear._

There are much scarier things than failure,

He thinks.

But in a weird way

An inappropriate, perverted, dirty and demented sort of

Way

A way that makes him feel

Guilty

He's glad to know she's not been

Sullied

By a dunderhead like

Ronald Weasley.

She deserves better

Smarter

Cleverer, someone witty

Someone who can converse with her

Challenge her

Find even footing with her. Be her

Equal.

Someone who will

Appreciate

The cadence of her voice

When she reads, and listen to her

Secrets,

Without judgment, and

Won't fill her with

Babies

That will divert her from the

World of Academia

She's most certainly better bound for.

She deserves

Someone who can

Wiggle his toes

See clear shapes and colors

And maybe make a noise from the back of his throat.

-0-0-0-

 _If I'd known_

 _Saving you_

 _Would curse you to this_

 _Half-life, sir, I don't think_

 _I would have done it. If you can hear me,_

 _Please,_

 _Please know I'm sorry._

 _I hadn't meant to hurt you._

 _I only tried to_

 _Help._

You do help, he thought, wiggling those toes.

He tried to twitch his nose.

Blink.

Move his pupils around so she'd see he was

Listening.

 _Oh, Healer, I think he's having some sort of_

 _Fit!_

 _Look, his eyes are moving all around!_

 _Do you think_

 _He's trying_

 _To talk to us?_

The Healer called that nonsense.

"It's involuntary, Miss Granger," she said.

 _Oh._

The girl sounded disappointed.

That made two of them,

Then.

-0-0-0-

He waited and waited for her to come

Again.

He practiced the toe wiggling, as it seemed

His best talent.

Nothing.

Was she back in an institution, locked away,

Like Plath's main character in

The Bell Jar?

Or...

"Look at this!" said the Healer. He couldn't see what

"This"

Was.

"Hermione Granger Marries Ronald Weasley!"

No.

"There's a lovely picture!"

No.

"She must have been nervous. Her smile is forced."

The Healer chuckled.

"The poor girl. But she made for a lovely..."

No.

"Bride."

-0-0-0-

He could see colors

Shapes.

He could wiggle his toes.

He could almost even make a quiet

Noise

From the back of his throat.

But what was the use?

She didn't come back.

She wouldn't come back.

He was certain she made

For a lovely

Bride.

-0-0-0-

But she did come back.

Once per week, like clockwork.

He taught himself to keep track of the

Days

So he'd know when to expect her.

-0-0-0-

 _Sir? Today is the_

 _Five year_

 _Anniversary_

 _Of the night you were attacked_

 _By Nagini._

 _And I want you to know_

 _I'm sorry_

 _For everything._

 _I feel_

 _Selfish_

 _Sometimes, for hating my_

 _Life._

 _For hating what I have, when you have..._

 _When you have..._

 _When you have..._

(Tears)

 _When you have it worse._

 _But I do hate it,_

 _Sir._

 _I've just left my job._

 _This baby is due very soon,_

 _And I don't think_

 _I truly don't think_

 _I have what it takes_

 _To be a mother._

-0-0-0-

 _This is probably_

 _The last time_

 _I'll come, for awhile._

 _I'm already having contractions_

 _But the Healer says_

 _I'm not ready._

 _Once the baby is born, I'll have to_

 _Stay home._

 _At least for awhile._

 _But I'll be back,_

 _Eventually. I_

 _Promise._

She was leaving.

She was leaving to be a

Mother

And he knew

No matter what she promised,

She wouldn't come back.

He couldn't let her

Leave, not without a

Goodbye. He could almost

Almost

Almost make a noise from the back of his throat.

Almost

Almost

Almost...

UGGG-UH-GG-GG.

 _Sir?_

Suddenly,

She was leaning over him,

Her bushy brown hair

Falling around her face.

The ceiling light hitting her from behind

Resembled a halo.

 _Sir, are you trying to talk?_

 _Sir, if you can hear me_

 _If you can hear me,_

 _Look to the left. Your left._

He looked to the left.

 _Sir! Professor! Sir! If you can_

 _Hear me_

 _Look to the right, and then_

 _The left._

He looked to the right, and then

The left.

 _Sir! Make that noise_

 _Make it again,_

 _If you can!_

He could feel her

Massive

Pregnant

Belly against his right arm, on top of his

Arm. She couldn't get close enough to his face

With her body in the way.

A baby.

 _Sir?_

He made

A noise

From the back of his throat.

 _Can you see me?_

He looked to the left, to the right, to the left, and straight into

The somewhat blurry brown dots

Above her cheeks.

 _I knew it! I knew you could hear_

 _Me! I knew you were_

 _Here!_

And she called for a Healer

But the Healer was slow

And by the time he arrived, she'd

Collapsed.

-0-0-0-

"Pity," tsked a Healer.

He looked to the right.

There were two women in his room, but neither

Had bushy brown hair.

"The poor girl was standing right here."

Standing right here?

"When it happened. Eclampsia."

Eclampsia?

"Came on sudden. Caused a seizure."

A seizure?

"By the time we found her, it was too late."

-0-0-0-

He could wiggle his toes

And see colors

And shapes

And even make a sound from the back of his throat.

But she never came back. And no one else cared.

"Thank Merlin, the baby survived."

The baby survived?

So a part of her would live

On.

Just like Lily.

He wished he could sigh. Or cry.

Or scream.

Or die.

This used to be life.

It was over.


End file.
